When the skeletons in your closet keep bursting out at the worst possible time, that's a clue that there is something in your past that needs some caring attention to bring healing and freedom today.
The past influences the present
It's the oldest cliche in the therapy world, and perhaps one of the first things people think of when they think of therapy. Picture someone reclining on a chaise lounge, while a man with a cigar and a beard says, "Tell me about your mother". While we have thankfully moved on from this stereotype of therapy, the cliche exists because of the unavoidable fact that our past influences the way we think, feel and act in the world today. Whether the past includes the cultural beliefs that shaped our worldview and expectations of ourselves as a child, the struggles our family faced or the harm we experienced directly, the things we live through shape our expectations of what is possible today and the strategies we will use to stay safe and get our needs met.
When the past was overwhelming
Traumatic or overwhelming experiences also shape our expectations and beliefs about ourselves and the world, with the added element of flashbacks or memory fragments that feel like re-experiencing some element of the overwhelming event. These are often hard to recognize as flashbacks, but often have the quality of coming out of nowhere, being overwhelming or very powerful, and if you are able to reflect on the experience afterwards, you might notice that the reaction you had was out of proportion to the actual experience. For example, you know that your partner respects you and is willing to work on the relationship, but they say that one thing and you feel like you're back with your abusive ex or your controlling father.
Recognizing when the past is showing up
There are a few key "tells" that hint at memory fragments getting triggered:
it happens quickly
you feel younger while it is happening
you get more activated (going into fight/flight/freeze) than seems accurate for what actually happened
the feeling is familiar and gets triggered by the same kind of situation every time
it feels difficult or impossible to change your response, even when you can recognize that it would be rational or even beneficial for you
You can start healing from the past today
If you're recognizing some patterns here, you're not alone. Even people who had seemingly great childhoods can experience overwhelming things that create memory fragments and triggers like this. And if you had a crappy childhood, you are probably aware of some of the experiences that were traumatic. In therapy, we can't change the facts of what happened in the past, but we can change how it feels when those triggers come up. We can gradually build up a sense of safety and the ability to notice those triggers without getting swept away by them, and each time we do this we begin to rewire that memory to include this sense of safety and capacity and being supported. This is what it looks like to heal from the past, and when this begins to happen, we start to feel more choice, agency and ability to stay calm when those triggers come up. Eventually we might not even get triggered at all.
And that is real healing and freedom from the past.
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